what was, what could be
by deangirl22
Summary: Cole observes the estranged relationship between Hawke and Fenris. Varric intervenes only to have Cole's perception swivel onto him and reveal a hidden truth.
1. Chapter 1

~'It snarls heavily within her, within him. She is used to the weight of forelorn love, he is not, he is empty now. She knows, she regrets, but she must remain steady for them both.'~

Fenris kept his distance for some time, his hazel eyes watched her every movement feverishly. Months had passed, the land has been skewered by chaos and still she looked beautiful. His legs compelled him forward, his tongue shaped her name, and his gruff vocal chords complied. "Hawke.."

Hawke turned around sharply, her long dark hair flipping in the torrent wind. Her grey eyes brighten and dim in the same instance of surprise. "Fenris..I thought you were in Tevinitar?" She says bluntly, her tone uncharacteristically flat.

"I was. Then I heard of the Ventatori's dealings here, I came at once.." Fenris explained readily.

"You 'heard'?" Hawke repeated.

Fenris's brow furrowed slightly. "Varric contacted me. Didn't he tell you?"

"No." Hawke repressed a sigh. "But it wouldnt be the first time Varric withheld a surprise for your benefit.."

"I should hope so, the surprises were generally his idea." Fenris remarks with a wry smirk.

~'Closed walls crumble at the behest of a smile. The softest touch would crack the foundation.'~

Hawke smiles dutifully, her black hair lashing across her face from the breeze. "I'm glad you're here Fenris." She tells him.

"As am I.." Fenris replies reflecting her smile.

The luster in Hawkes smile slowly fades. "I have to get to Crestwood." She announces, reminding herself. "It was good to see you Fenris.."

Fenris bars her path, as Hawke steps to leave. His hand unnecessarily, brushes her wrist in the process. "Wait..let me come with you.." he requests earnestly.

"Fenris, we discussed this.." Hawke protests, her words heavy with denial.

"Please Hawke. Crestwood is crawling with undead - you can't ask me to sit here while you venture into known danger." Fenris pleads, his heart jamming in his chest.

Several leagues away, Cole sat upon the stone steps of Skyhold's entrance, observing the ex-lovers. "His eyes are soft, but they cut her deep, deeper than any blade could. Always deep, always him.." Cole narrates aloud to himself, his voice wavering to the rhythm of the wind.

Varric cleared his throat loudly, but Cole's gaze didn't waver from Hawke and Fenris. With a disapproving glance at his far away friends, Varric sat down beside Cole. "Look kid, Levellan decided she wants you to come along with us.." Varric began.

The corners of Cole's mouth flexed in a smile. "Doesn't she always?" He responded meekly yet knowingly.

"More often than not." Varric agreed. "But that elf out there, Fenris.."

"His markings never stop searing, but the pain is second nature." Cole remarks, looking at Varric for the first time.

"Yeah..lets keep that between us okay? Fenris is a bit finicky about spirits and..magical circumstances."

"Hatred so dense he thinks of little else..no...not anymore. Hawke changed that, she is a mage yet she is not cruel. She taught him to read, to care, to love..she freed him from himself."

"Traveling with our honored guests, will be considerably less awkward if you stop honing in on them.." Varric said shortly.

"They hurt.." Cole said simply, with an indigant twinge to his clearwater eyes.

"That's heartbreak you're picking up on, you cant help them Cole.." Varric said firmly.

Cole is silent a moment, his gaze sliding out onto Hawke and Fenris again. "You're right, but I want to.."

"I know.." Varric interrupted in a murmur.

"No. I want to help you.." Cole replies, turning to him.

"Me?" Varric repeats blankly.

"It does not snarl, it smoulders. Redhot but dormant, shared but not connected..12 years dull nothing yet nothing is spoken..Why don't you tell Hawke how you feel?" Cole responds.

Panic gripped Varric's mind, as he leaned toward Cole, his voice leaden with resolve. "Kid, I'm asking you this as a friend - cut this shit out.."

"She'd hurt less if you told her." Cole insisted.

Levellan now stood behind the duo. Crossing her arms, she glanced over her shoulder at Dorian. The two exchanged a quizzical look, then Dorian spoke. "Are we interrupting something?" He asked, sounding far too eager.

"No..oh no.." Varric chortled, rising to his feet. "You're not coming with us Sparkles.."

"Why not?" Dorian and Levellan spoke in unison.

"Lets just say, Fenris has an unhealthy bias against Tevintar mages." Varric replied.

"Then perhaps it's time someone changed that.." Dorian said astutely. "We are both hunting Ventatori afterall, we may even bond.."

"Broody over there, isn't exactly sociable. Trust me Levellan, if you bring Dorian AND Cole, tensions are going to be high, and it's a looong way to Crestwood.." Varric warned.

"You're putting me in a difficult position Varric." Levellan argued lightly. "In a village overrun by undead, who is less valuable - the necromancer or the spirit child?"

Varric raised his hands in mock surrender. "Fine, fine. Point taken. Anything happens though, I'm not getting in the middle of it." Varric submitted, grazing past Levellan to change into his battle attire.

"Shame, stuck in the thick of things is often the best place to be Varric.." Dorian replied.

"Keep telling yourself that Sparkles.." Varric retorted.


	2. Chapter 2

Three horses and six travelers journeyed toward Crestwood. Of the six travelers, four were riding horses. Fenris and Varric preferred to walk, while Cole rode with Lavellan.

"So Fenris," Dorian began, jolting his reins a bit to steer his stallion closer to the elf. "I understand prior to joining us, you were hunting Ventatori.."

"And?" Fenris said blankly, propelling Varric to snicker softly to himself. After all, Varric had warned his new friends about the social grace Fenris lacked.

Dorian however was not phased. "I am also seeking out my cultist countrymen to maime and murder! We have so much in common.."

Fenris peered up at the mage with a slight frown, then turned his hazel eyes onto Lavellen. "You keep strange company Inquisitor." He informed her.

"This from the elf with lyrium infused in his skin.." Dorian retorted.

"Not something you inflicted upon your slaves then?" Fenris spat.

"Didnt we go over this already? Not every man in Tevintar is like Darinus, such as not every mage in the Free Marshes is like Anders.." Dorian said, his voice rigid.

"So speaking of company kept," Lavellen said, swiftly cutting in. "Last time we played Diamondback, Varric coyly told me I had less tact than a certain Mabari he was acquainted with.."

Stroking the horse's mane, Hawke smiled sadly as she spoke. "Tanner.."

"Yes where is this infamous warhound of the Champion?" Dorian piped, knowing that Lavellen would rather he cool things down between him and Fenris.

"I left him in the care of Anders..rather I left Anders in the care of Tanner..." Hawke corrected herself, oblivious to the steely gaze of Fenris.

"You what?" Fenris asked brazenly. "When did this happen?"

Hawke did not quite look at Fenris as she replied. "We crossed paths briefly after you and I separated. By then I'd heard of Sebastian's return to Kirkwall.." Hawke heaved a sigh, at the mention of her old ally. "Anders refused my help, so I insisted he take Tanner. Someone has to look after him.."

"You gave your warhound to the fade-crazed vagabond that blew up the Kirkwall chantry? Sounds like a perfect pairing." Dorian remarked.

A moment of silence is broken by Cole, channeling Fenris. "Old anger blisters anew. 'She still cares for that monster? That abomination blinded her with charm, then tarnished her goodwill - I should've slain him long ago'..."

Fury visibly exploded upon Fenris's face, as he stepped into the path of Lavellen's horse. "You didn't tell me we were traveling with a blood mage." He snarled loudly over the horse's protesting snort, as it reared to a stop.

"Cole is no mage." Lavellen said flatly.

"Then what is he?" Fenris demanded.

Varric had sworn he wouldnt get involved, but he knew far too well the angry sneer Fenris wore was not going to vanish by itself. "A clairvoyant boy, Broody. That's all. Remember the tale of the seer and the Griffon king? Cole is like that seer."

Dorian could've contained himself, but he didn't. His voice rose, when he spoke, alight with laughter. "You read children's stories? How adorable of you.." he gushed.

"Fenris," Hawke said, dismounting quickly though casually. "My legs are getting numb, why don't you ride for awhile?"

Glaring at Dorian, Fenris muttered angrily in Quarni, but complied to Hawke's suggestion. Fenris was barely atop the horse when he gave the instruction to gallop ahead of the others.

"Mm feisty isn't he?" Dorian jeered, with a smirk.

Hawke laughed despite herself. "I knew bringing Fenris along would be trouble, you're not the sort of trouble I was expecting.."

"I get that quite a lot.." Dorian said smugly.

Hawke glanced at Varric standing beside her. "I know, he's a real gem.." Varric murmured. Hawke laughed again, more genuine than the first outburst.

"She misses the scent of his hair, the warmth of his embrace, the glorious half-truths that tumble from his lips in her name." Cole observed. When the others all looked at him, he lowered his head, as if to hide his face in Lavallen's back. "Sorry.." he whispered to Varric.

"Must be challenging," Hawke mused, as the group began to follow after Fenris. "Having a companion such as him.."

Lavellen's smile was well practiced. "Only when faced with those who would have me abandon or harm him.." she responded.

"Ooohh..did anyone else get a chill?" Dorian lamented. Though no one responded, the corners of Lavellen's lips curled into a smile. "Our Lady Inquisitior does play her favorites." Dorian continues. "She has an infinity for blondes, with the exception of myself of course.."

"Oh?" Hawke remarked. Cole knew there were plenty of feelings lurking behind that 'oh' but he kept quiet.

"Oh yes," Dorian said. "Blackwall regularly heckles me about how Ellana here, tends to my every scrape like a lover would.."

Ellana Lavellen gaped at her friend in shock. "You never told me that.." she said slowly.

"After Mother Gisele's finger-wagging are you really surprised? Besides true or not, it makes no difference." Dorian replied, with an offbeat shrug.

Cole had been watching Hawke throughout Dorian's interaction. "Relief.." Cole noted aloud, still staring at Hawke.

"What?" Hawke blurted.

Varric cleared the anxiety out of his throat. "Alright kid, need a piss break? So do I, c'mon.." he encouraged.

While Cole dismounted, Dorian and Lavellen shared a knowing look. After the two blondes had walked a ways off the path, Dorian spoke. "Practically adoptive parents you and him, Ellana.." Dorian gauged Hawke vigorously, and when an emotional cloud swept Hawke's features, Dorian chortled in triumph. "Ah-ha! You are sweet on our ser dwarf. I suspected as much, but wasn't positive until this very moment."

Lavellen didn't have to glance at Hawke to know the Champion was blushing. Instead, she merely shook her head and tsked. "Dorian.."

"Forgive me m'lady, I didn't mean to embarrass you...but might I add, you do look dashing in red." Dorian said.

"You're incorrigible." Hawke replied, earning an instant smirk from Dorian.

"Were I truly such, I would pry as to why Ser Tethras is so enticing. Is it the immaculate chesthair, the glistening golden eyes or that rough yet tender voice he possesses?" Dorian responded.

* * *

"I don't want to hear anything more Cole.." Varric was saying.

"Yes you do." Cole argued.

"Oh do I?" Varric guffawed in disbelief.

Cole reconsidered. "..You need to..Jealousy rumbled within her stomach, concern lined her lungs. She fears Lavellen has replaced her.."

"That's crazy." Varric stated.

"No, it's uncertainty - it's what she feels. She doesn't know. She knows only you're a storyteller, and Lavellen's story expands further than hers. But Lavellen is not Hawke, she could never be. You should tell her." Cole rambled.

"...You don't know what you're asking kid." Varric replies softly, turning his head toward the others.

"I do. You're afraid..." Cole says, gaining Varric's undivided attention. "You shouldn't be."

Varric itched the nape of his neck, and glanced at Hawke. The incredulous look on her face startled him. "Maker's breath - Sparkles!" He called. "what are you saying to her?"

Cole answered in his usual forthcoming way, stunning Varric. "Dorian is teasing her about your best feature.."

"Just pillow talk Tethras." Dorian called back. "You're more than welcome to join us."

Varric's eyes fluttered to the back of his head. "Maker...he's like Isabella with a stick. Well two sticks, but who's counting. C'mon Kid, we better get back before Bianca decides she'd like to unload on him." Varric sighed, hoisting his crossbow into the strap on his back.


	3. Chapter 3

Loose stone tumbled beneath Varric's boots, as he paced relentlessly on the inner stairway of Caer Bronach. The stone had been unmarked once, before the battle against the bandits, during which, the leader swung and smashed his hammer in a frenzy of desperation. The battle was over, but an incident had occurred during the fighting between Dorian and Fenris. When the arguing began, Varric led Cole away, hoping to prevent matters from getting worse. Judging from the stern faces of his old friends and his new ones, the talking was not going well. Hawke was lingering behind Fenris, while Lavellan stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Dorian.

"Shit." Varric mumbled to himself. "Why didn't Lavellan listen to me?" Varric sighed, and sat down beside Cole. "What's happening?" he reluctantly asked.

"Fear. Fear he has not felt since the madness of Anders lit the sky." Cole answered.

"Wonderful." Varric grunted.

* * *

"If you're going to threaten me elf." Dorian was saying brazenly. "At least have the good manners, to do so in the common tongue. For the benefit of our comrades if nothing else."

With a final leer and a repressed scoff, Fenris rounded on Lavellan rather than address Dorian again. "Your necromancer is a threat Inquisitor. When he fell in battle, the spirit that possessed his form, nearly killed me!" Fenris spat.

"The spirit likely picked up on your hostility." Lavellan said flatly, with a sideways glance at Hawke.

"Can't imagine how that happened." Dorian jeered.

* * *

Cole bowed his head slightly, a sneer manifesting on his lips, as the thoughts of Fenris rained out of his mouth. "Another naive Dalish mage...would she recognize a traitor standing right beside her? He is an abomination waiting to happen. I won't allow..." Cole trailed off, as he leapt from his perch beside Varric, rushing toward the others.

The markings etched in Fenris's skin, were aglow. His gauntlets were balling into fists. Cole quickly stepped between Fenris and Dorian, and threw a handful of knockout powder into Fenris's face.

Fenris fell to the floor, before the last of the powder particles inhabited the air. Hawke coughed. "Maker..good...timing.." Hawke's cough transformed into a yawn.

"Some of the powder hit you too. You're beginning to faint.." Cole informed.

"Maker Kid, grab her!" Varric cried, hurrying closer to Hawke as she swayed sideways. Lavellan tried to reach around Cole, but Varric caught Hawke first.

"Skin soft like velvet." Cole narrated, as Varric gingerly lowered Hawke to the ground. "The softness hurts to touch...but it's what he wants. An old ache flares fresh."

"You stood in the way on the purpose." Lavellan mused, earning Cole's attention.

"Yes." Cole admitted openly.

"Kid I already asked you - so now I'm telling you." Varric said, straightening up. "Let. This. Go."

"Cole," Lavellan spoke up. "Would you please escort Dorian back to camp? Tell Harding we've located a new fort for the Inquisition, and ask Solas if he'd like to join us."

"Am I being dismissed?" Dorian asked, sounding partly angry and partly upset. "If so I hardly need an escort."

Cole swiftly replied. "Fenris will be very angry at us when he wakes."

Studying Lavellan, Dorian traced his mustache in annoyance. "Then I suppose we should be off. C'mon Cole.." he said, his robust voice turning bittersweet.

Cole met Varric's gaze. "Tell her." he persisted, slowly following after Dorian.

Varric merely shook his head, looked down at the unconscious forms of Hawke and Fenris, then turned his focus onto Lavellan. "So you're replacing Sparkles with Chuckles, but leaving the kid in our company? Really think that's wise?" Varric asked.

"Is it really wise to keep love a secret with the world ending?" Lavellan countered.

"I thought we were working to stop the world from ending." Varric challenged.

"Varric.." Lavellan scolded.

"Oh, so you've told Curly how you feel then?" Varric retorted.

"..He knows enough for now.."

"So does Hawke."

Lavellan didn't believe him, but she didn't enjoy arguing with Varric. "Let's move your friends into the sleeping quarters, and pray that none of those bandits had the plague."

* * *

When Hawke's eyes flew open, she tried to spring up into a sitting position, but her head throbbed, and she was barely able to rise it a few inches from her pillow.

"Easy Hawke, I'm here. Broody and Sparkles are both alive, you can relax." Varric reassured her, resting his palm on her arm.

"I didn't realize Cole had assassin training.." Hawke murmured. "I've experienced that powder before, with Zevran's traps.."

"I remember." Varric said simply. "Zev's helped the Inqusition, believe it or not. Took down a Ventatori, Lord Enzo of Antiva."

"Enzo..what a name.." Hawke chuckled drowsily.

"I don't know, could be worse...like...'Lord Altair of Antiva', sounds flamboyant regardless of his actual demeanor..." Varric joked, half-heartedly. He wanted to see Hawke smile again, and though he was rewarded, her smile faded fast, as her gaze traveled onto Fenris laying asleep in the adjourning bed.

"I shouldn't have brought him.." Hawke mumbled.

"Broody was well within his rights to come," Varric argued. "Lavellan, should've heeded my warning and left Dorian at Skyhold."

"They seem very close." Hawke remarked.

"They are." Varric said.

"Then she was also within her rights to bring him." Hawke replied, slowly sitting up with her back to the wall. "Fenris didn't need to come, I didn't want him to..I wanted it to be just us, like in the beginning...before Anders."

Varric grimaced a bit. "Mm we didn't do much before Blondie came into the picture.."

"I know. I still remember. And I often used to wonder how much simpler our lives would've become had we never met the others..." Hawke said softly, her eyes staring at the design of the wool blanket spread across her.

"I don't like simple stories Hawke." Varric told her. Hawke just smiled, bemused. "It's hard to think lightly of the days before the expedition." Varric continued, the humor draining from his voice. "If we had never gone down there, none of this would've happened."

"You mustn't think that way Varric." Hawke said with a weary frown.

"You're allowed to think of how carefree our lives would've been without Blondie and the rest, but I can't pout about the expedition that first uncovered red lyrium?" Varric coyly teased. Hawke however, was not amused this time. Varric sighed, and broke eye contact. "Look at all that's happened since the instant we laid eyes on that damn lyrium idol. How can I not feel responsible? Blondie may've never blown up the Chantry if Meredith hadn't.."

"Stop." Hawke interrupted, grasping Varric's hand. "You can't torment yourself like this. As long as I'm around, I won't let you." Hawke continued haughtily, tightening her grip. "It's my burden too. Not to mention, what's happening in Kirkwall now, with Sebastian.."

"Choirboy should've known better than to ask you to slay one of your closest friends." Varric replied firmly.

Hawke shook her head slightly. "I could've fooled Seb, I could've injured Anders, made it look fatal, then healed him once Sebastian had gone ahead of us.."

"Might've worked. Or you could've enraged Justice, and I'd have been forced to put a bolt through Blondie's skull. Would've scarred Daisy for life." Varric mused.

* * *

Though Solas had never before stepped foot in Caer Bronach, he led the Inquisiton renovators through its entrance. Cole treaded dutifully behind Solas, muttering about Varric. "Teeth grind, suppressing a truthful tongue. Nerves are raw, he hates change, but he loves her. Thoughts tumbling over thoughts...'After all we've been through, if she doesn't know, telling her will make no difference'...but he's wrong. Hawke suspects, but too much time has passed, surely he'd have told her by now.

Their hands separate...It hurts. TELL HER!" Cole cries out, pausing in the doorway of the sleeping quarters. "Please." he adds woefully to the gawking faces of Hawke and Varric.

Solas stepped to the doorway, his gaze meeting Varric's. "Where precisely is Lavellan?" he asked sturdily.

"I'll show you." Varric answers, rising eagerly from his chair.

"I am Solas, Champion. Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I've heard much." Solas tells Hawke politely. Hawke smiled, but her thoughts were solely on Varric as he pressed past Solas, immediately herding Cole away.

"You have to tell her." Cole whispered, as Varric clung onto his elbow.

"I don't _have_ to do anything Kid." Varric argued.

"You want to say it, she wants to hear it." Cole insisted.

"No. She already has someone, and so do I." Varric said roughly.

"Not the same." Cole remarked, as Varric gave him a little shove toward Lavellan, seated in the study.

"Da'len, the renovators await your orders in the courtyard." Solas informed.

"Meanwhile we are ready to move out your Inquistorness." Varric reported. "Hawke's awake, so it shouldn't be long for Broody to awaken too. I should probably be there when he does...someone has to explain Cole knocking him out, was preferable to you flaying him alive for fisting Sparkles." Varric said, turning on his heel. "Stay with Chuckles, Kid." he added, casting Cole an angry look.

A moment of silence swallowed the room as Varric left it.

"Do you think he'll ever tell her?" Solas asked Lavellan.

"...No." Lavellan answered sadly.

"Nor I. A shame. Perhaps it is necessary for him to love in secret." Solas said, holding his hands behind his back.

* * *

Author's Note- I'm a bit undecided if this should be the final chapter, or if Varric should prove them wrong. What do you think? Let me know!


	4. Chapter 4

**"Shame saps from her skin, like bark on a tree. Thoughts quiet, heart numbed with sympathy." Cole murmurs, his clearwater eyes embedded onto Hawke several leagues ahead. His gaze travels to Varric, a shorter distance away, closer to Hawke but further from him. "He knows her suffering with one glance, but he is always looking. She is always on his horizon, even when she is nowhere to be seen.."**

**"Argh," Sera grumbled, from beside the fire-pit. "Making him sound crazy, you are..."**

**"It is madness," Cassandra agreed, standing parallel to where Cole sat. "But madness, is the cost of loving someone.." **

** "Well that's shite, what better reason to stay single yeah?" Sera remarked crossly, warming her hands over the fire. **

* * *

**The ocean lapped harmlessly against the edge of the dock where Hawke sat. The toe of her boot skirted the foam of the water, her staff resting absentmindedly against her leg. Hawke heard Varric's voice before she sensed his presence. "After learning the plight Corpheyus had bestowed upon the Grey Wardens, our dear Champion's thoughts turned to her cousin, the Hero of Fereldan. She wondered how Lady Amell, Commander-of-the-Grey, was faring against the Calling. That's when the handsome dwarf with the gorgeous crossbow, gently reminded the Champion, that King Alistair is also a Grey Warden, and seems to be perfectly fine." Varric announced, in his storyteller voice.**

**Hawke's felt her lips rise in a smirk. "It's funny, I've never met her, I don't even know if all the stories of her are true..beyond what Anders and Nathaniel vouched for...but I feel a connection to her. Foolish I know." **

**"Eh you're both Amells, both extraordinary women.." Varric pointed out.**

**"Are we?" Hawke asked softly, causing a frown to inhabit Varric's face. "She saved all of Ferdelan from the Blight, twice. Yet I failed to save Kirkwall, one little city.." **

**"There's nothing little about Kirkwall Hawke.." Varric retorted. It was then that he noticed, Hawke's shoulders were quaking in a silent sob. **

* * *

**"A sear of panic in his mind, pain in his chest..'No no, why is she crying? I'm helpless when she cries...please stop, please...Maker..what do I do?'..." Cole channeled, rocking slightly, fingers clenching his hair. **

**"Stop it you - you're depressing me!" Sera disapproved, her eyes darting toward Cassandra. Cassandra remained silent and stationary, her gaze glued to Cole.**

**"Words, words are important, but he can think of none to soothe her...it has happened before when Leandra was butchered, it is happening again now..." Cole said sadly.**

**"Oi, I told you to quit it." Sera reminded. **

**Cole's attention, rooted sideways onto Hawke. "Shame melted into sadness, sadness twisted into guilt, guilt hardened into misery...She hid it well, but it was there all along, burrowed deep...She left Kirkwall but Kirkwall did not leave her." **

**Sera finally stood from her position beside the fire. "I said shut it." **

**"Sera." Cassanda hums, warningly. "You know he can't stop once he starts." **

**"We don't know piss about 'im..." Sera argued brazenly. "I think he goes on and on about people's minds, because no one else can." **

**"She hates herself," Cole whispers. "She wishes to be stripped of the title Champion of Kirkwall, when all this is over..if she's alive."**

**"Bullshit!" Cassandra blurted. "She earned that title by defeating the Arishok."**

**"Yea given to 'er from that madwoman, Meredith.." Sera commented. "That really came back to bite her in the arse." **

**"Many people died before she could reach the Arishok, too many..." Cole murmured.**

**"Pah, Hawke is blinded by grief, understandable, but she'll see reason. Besides, what then becomes of Varric's tale of her?" Cassandra replied defensively, her arms enclosed across her chest.**

**"Shite innit? Like the rest of his tales." Sera put in. **

**"She would not do that to him." Cassandra said firmly, drawing her gaze onto the faraway forms of Hawke and Varric huddled at the edge of the dock.**

* * *

**Quiet as stone, Varric rubbed Hawke's right shoulder until she stopped sobbing, his thick fingers gingerly raking the underside of her hair. Hawke dried her cheeks with a swipe of her fingers. "I'm sorry, Varric - I know you can't stand the sight of a human crying...though you must be used to it by now..." Hawke said with a bitter grin.**

**Grimacing a bit, Varric sat down beside Hawke. "Different when it's a friend..." he decided, his feet dangling over the ocean. **

**The moment he was settled, Hawke rested her head alongside Varric's collarbone. His jaw tightened, his heart skyrocketing.**

** The water blistered beneath them, the wind whistled around them, for at least two minutes before Hawke spoke. "Are you alright Varric?" **

**"Hm? Me? I should be asking you that.." Varric replied stiffly.**

**"Just seems like you're holding your breath, and your fists are clenched.." Hawke noted, slowly lifting her head, much to Varric's quiet disdain. **

**"Nah I'm fine.." Varric said, forcefully relaxing his hands. "Hate being speechless is all.."**

**"If only Aveline could see you now.." Hawke jeered.**

**"Heh she'd never let live it down.." Varric replied with a rough chuckle. **

**"I know." Hawke said with the bite of a smile.**

**Varric studied Hawke soberly. "Hawke..." he began, unsure of what to say next.**

**"I know you're going to say next.." Hawke interrupted, resting her head against his collarbone again. "You were about to say 'chin up Hawke, you are ridiculously awesome'..." **

**Varric's eyes narrowed at the vaguely familiar term, knowing he himself had never uttered that phrase. "Zevran." he recalled after a moment, remembering the Antivan word that had thrown him for a literary loop. **

**Hawke smiled fully. "The dwarf remembered, rolling his glistening eyes with a shake of his handsome head." **

**Varric became flabbergasted, straining his neck to see her face. "Are you...?" **

**Hawke lifted her head for the final time, staring at Varric steadily. "His mouth parts in wonder - 'Could the Champion truly be mimicking his storyteller habits?' he marvels..." Hawke remarked, with a smirk of her own.**

**"You were right, that is annoying." Varric told her, gruffly.**

**"No, I miss it sometimes..." Hawke admitted, a giggle shadowing her tone. Standing, her gaze drifted to the ocean laid out in front of them. "Writing must be simpler now, with Lavallen. When you can write, I mean...you must not need to glorify things as much." **

**"Every story needs a little glory Hawke." Varric replied, standing too. "Whatever I write for the Inquisitor, won't be nearly as memorable as the tale of the Champion..." **

**"You don't have to bullshit me Varric." Hawke said with an irate edge to her sentence.**

**"Hold on, you didn't let me finish..." Varric insisted, stepping closer to bar her from walking away. "The stories about the Hero and the Inquisitor, epic tales, no denying that, but the Champion is real, relatable...well..more so if I glossed over your staggering beauty but..." Varric paused allowing Hawke time to laugh, she swatted his arm instead, her cheeks red. "Your tale is important Hawke, especially to me. So don't you ever feel unworthy again, okay? Bad for both of us if you do.." **

* * *

**"Her breath catches in her throat, like a deep stalker in a spider's web. Emotion clots her mind in strands - acceptance, longing, love...She leans down, his heart rumbles in his ears like thunder..but doubt, doubt stops her lips from touching his. Stubble tickles her chin as she kisses his cheek instead. 'Is this the moment?' he thinks, 'I should kiss her, tell her now.'..." Cole blinked, watching as Hawke begins to walk away. "Now is too late..." Cole got to his feet, immediately beginning to pace around the fire. "Why? He can be more than a friend to her, it is all he wants. And she, she wanted to kiss him, but the words he spoke weren't words a lover would say, so she didn't. I don't understand." Cole stopped short, looking to his companions for input. Both Cassandra and Sera had sat down around the fire, though they were facing each other. **

**Sera spoke first. "Don't look at me. It's all rubbish innit? A giant heap of shite. She's right there, all glimmering royally, and look at 'im, just standing there like a twig in the mud. Total nimrod." Sera shook her head in disgust. "Thought he was better than that." **

**"True love is not so simple Sera." Cassandra replied. **

**"Oh? Know something about it do you? Or are you quoting a page from one of those romantic novels again?" Sera challenged, resting her elbow on her knee. **

**"I never..." Cassandra stammered.**

**"Lavallen doesn't lie." Sera interrupted.**

**Cassandra glowered at the embers of the fire. "I am going to kill her." she sourly swore.**

* * *

A/N- the amount of emotion in this one was a surprise even to me, but I think things balanced out thanks to Sera. This is my first time writing the new DA crew, and I'm rather enjoying myself.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N - I upped the rating to T, for alochol consumption and 'friend-fiction' association.

* * *

Cole sat perched atop the bannister on the second level of the tavern. Beneath his dangling feet, in a secluded corner of the structure, Varric, Dorian and a cloaked Hawke are seated and playing Wicked Grace.

"The smell of ale and smoked pork, drifts through the air...it's familiar, but it isn't. Not the same without Isabella and the rest...Fenris, was invited but he did not come. He doesn't trust Dorian..it bothers him that Hawke does." Cole muses.

From behind Cole, Blackwall grunted a bit. "Can't say I blame the elf there." Blackwall shifted his gaze from Cole to Iron Bull sitting opposite him, then Blackwall briefly observed his deck of Diamondback cards, and laid them on the table. "But you really shouldn't be spying on them Cole, we're here as lookouts, not peeping nugs."

"Speak for yourself." Iron Bull retorted. "Even with the cloak Hawke's easy on the eyes, though I still don't understand why Varric lied about her being a redhead."

Cole turned slightly to glance at him. "He didn't lie. You asked if Hawke's hair were red and he answered 'Sure'..."

"But why?" Blackwall pressed.

Cole looked downward again. "Her physical beauty isn't important...laughter like the tolling of holiday bells, thunderous but tender..."

"Alright, sorry I asked." Blackwall grumbled, tossing the remainder of his cards aside. "You're too bloody good at this." he informed the Bull with a steely glance.

"You give up too easily." Iron Bull argued. "And you Cole, need to learn when to give up."

"They need me, if they didn't, I would know." Cole responded with a hint of stubbornness.

"Are you sure?" Iron Bull muttered.

Blackwall reclined in his seat, crossing his arms. "Yes, nevermind that Varric's told you countless times already, that your help isn't needed." he added.

"Only because he remembers me. Varric always remembers me, even this past month, when he'd rather forget..." Cole murmured.

Blackwall exhaled loudly, rolling his eyes a bit as he shifted his gaze onto Iron Bull again. "This is a waste of time, especially with Cole lurking about. Even if one of the templars recognized Hawke, I doubt they'd think of attacking 'er. Think Cullen's just being paranoid!"

"Rumor is, she helped that abomination Anders collect the materials needed to blow up the Kirkwall chantry. That's not something anyone is likely to overlook, even if it's a lie." Iron Bull responded.

"It isn't..." Cole said flatly. "But she didn't know..never suspected that Anders would trick her, use her...like she almost used him."

"Sorry, what?" Blackwall blurted, sitting forward.

Cole rocked a little, itching a scratch on his nose. "Fire crackling hungrily in the heath, an unlocked door swinging eagerly open. A welcome distraction, but it is more than a distraction for him...restless nights, beyond counting, aching, always aching. The aches would finally end but then... 'Don't you call him that! I'm sorry Anders, we can't do this.'...His emotions collided all at once but she saw them all - anger, jealousy, rejection, resignation...'FINE. Whatever it is you see, in that maniac Fenris, I hope for your sake, you can at least tame him.'...They didn't speak for a long while after that. Hawke hated it, hated herself, hated knowing he loved her. When Anders asked for her help, she didn't hesitate, she wanted to make amends..."

"No shit..." Iron Bull mused. "Did Varric know?"

"He knew by not being told. And it didn't matter, only Hawke's happiness mattered." Cole responded solemnly. "Even now.."

"Lovesick blighter. Who would've thought?" Blackwall pondered, turning his attention to the lower level of the tavern.

* * *

"So you and Broody...I don't mean to pry, but you know the well-being of romantic entanglements tend to allude me." Varric said, his hand gesturing beside the handle of his half-empty mug.

The cloak Hawke wore, hid her eyes and a good portion of her nose, but her smirking lips were perfectly visible. "Yes, I like to think it's the sole reason you started writing 'friend-fiction' with Isabella, but sometimes I wonder if there wasn't more to it."

"More to what? The friend-fiction? Or me and Isabella?" Varric coyly replied, hoping his own smirk was obscuring the interest in his eyes. "Am I sensing jealousy?"

"Jealous of Isabella? Perish the thought." Hawke retorted quickly, too quickly.

With his fingers entwined around the base of the Tevintar wine glass Lavellen had specially imported for him, Dorian waited cordially for Varric's response, and when none came, Dorian gleefully spoke up. "..'Friend-fiction'? Do tell!"

The smirk which had never left Hawke's mouth, intensified slightly. "It was smut mostly, purely based on our friend Aveline and her husband Donnic." she explained.

"Well not _purely_ based on them." Varric said slyly.

"Yes I'm sure you used plenty of Isabella's escapades to..." Hawke began.

"Pardon me," Dorian interrupted. "but I think you're misunderstanding him, my good woman."

Hawke, slightly encumbered by the ale running through her veins, paused for a moment in shocked silence. "...Who else did you write about Varric?" she demanded.

"Who do you think?" Varric chuckled.

"Varric!" Hawke cried out in disbelief.

"Seems like an innocent enough question to me." Dorian piped.

"Oh trust me Sparkles, there was nothing innocent about what Rivanni and I wrote together." Varric chortled. "Especially when it was about..._**Ophf**_!" he grunted, as Hawke's boot lashed out against his knee, though she was likely aiming for his calf. Rubbing his sore kneecap, Varric eyed Hawke irately. "If you had let me finish my sentence Hawke, you'd have known I was going to say Choirboy...not you.."

"Oh?" Dorian hummed. "You never wrote about her corrupting this Choirboy?"

"Well not personally." Varric admitted, swiftly scooting his chair away from the table to avoid Hawke's thrashing boot. "Hey, it's Rivanni you oughta be kicking around! Besides, it's not as if you never teased the guy."

"Did I star in any other friend-fiction you'd like to tell me about?" Hawke pressed skeptically.

"You mean besides that illicit piece Isabella wrote about you and Nathaniel in the Deep Roads?" Varric responded smugly. "No, not really."

"Ooooh, now that does sound scandalous." Dorian cheered. "Don't suppose you have a copy handy?" he added in a nearly inaudible whisper.

"Argh Maker_, in the Deep Roads? With all the darkspawn watching_?" Hawke gawked.

Varric forced a sigh from his chest, masking his voice with indifference. "No, the two of you killed a bunch of them, then basked in sweet victory. The darkspawn audience came later, during the basking."

"That sounds an awful lot like something _you_ would write, not Isabella." Hawke accused.

"C'mon Hawke, you really think I would do such a thing?" Varric replied, with a false coating of hurt in his voice.

* * *

"Fingers twitch against the quill, thoughts clouding over thoughts, his words dance around the margins. It's his duty as an author to add ambiance. An inkblot bleeds into the writing, his eyes freeze, but his heart is still pounding. The words aren't his, neither is the woman the words describe...his fingers smooth the edges of the parchment, and he realizes, they both belong to him now. 'Has it always been this way?...Yes of course..' When he crafts a story about Hawke, she is his, and there is nothing complex about it. She is the lullaby the songbird sings, he is the songbird oblivious to why he sings it." Cole coos, in a bittersweet grimace.

* * *

"While we're on the topic of unspeakable deeds," Dorian began. "I have a question I've been dying to trouble you with, dear lady."

"By all means, Dorian." Hawke encouraged.

"Did you really have a tryst with Anders during your dry spell with Fenris?" Dorian questioned. He noticed the tiniest of frowns crease Hawke's lips, and likely beneath the cloak, her eyes were revolving onto the dwarf sitting opposite them. "I always imagined Varric exaggerated the time lapse between your night of intimacy and the reconciliation of your relationship, but after meeting the guy, I'm not so certain. Fenris seems quite capable of seducing a woman one night, then keeping his distance for three years afterward. Come to think of it, so does Solas...but I digress." Dorian rambles.

Hawke reclined slightly in her chair, so that she'd be better able to observe both men equally. "I know we've had a lot to drink, but may I ask why you're so curious?" she countered.

"I found the description of Anders, quite intriguing. The honey-hued hair that falls against the midst of his shoulders, the copper eyes full of mystery, the scruff billowing across his chiseled cheekbones. All sounds a bit familiar doesn't it?" Dorian mused, pausing for effect. "...Sounds almost like a human equivalent of Varric." Dorian paused again, hoping to gauge Hawke's reaction, but to his disappointment, she appeared nonplused. "That is, of course, until we reach the part of his description where his skin crackles with lyrium - which would clearly mark him as a substitute for Fenris. Though I suppose in a weird way, Anders is a compromised combination of the two gents, isn't he?"

"That's enough Sparkles." Varric warned sternly.

Hawke rested one of her elbows against the head of her chair. "I never thought of it that way, but now that I have, by the Void, I think you're right!" she gushed sarcastically.

"Andraste save me.." Varric mumbled, rubbing his brow. "I think it's time we call it a night."

"But she hasn't answered my question." Dorian pointed out.

"Really Dorian, a lady doesn't kiss and tell." Hawke tsked, getting to her feet.

* * *

Dorian rested his weight against the door of Hawke's room, groggily taking her hand in his. "You really are as fun as advertised Hawke. Almost makes me wistful that the rumor I heard about the Champion Of Kirkwall being a bearded swordsman, were actually true."

"Excuse me?" Hawke guffawed, her gaze slowly lowering onto Varric.

"Ah yeah, I heard about that too. It was spread around by a sexist man in Hightown..." Varric explained. "I also heard, that sexist blighter, met an unfortunate end with an arrow to his groin, and another to his face."

"Varriiiic." Hawke purred.

"Oh it wasn't me. Must've been Choirboy, or who knows maybe you've a fan who is also an archer." Varric responded with a barely concealed grin.

"Since you two are having a moment, I'll take my leave. Best of dreams." Dorian said, walking off with a smirk and a wink.

Both Varric and Hawke watched Dorian leave for several seconds, before reverting their attention onto one another. Varric spoke first.

"You know it just occurred to me, you didn't answer my question either - about you and Broody?" Varric noted.

"And you neither confirmed nor denied that you wrote the smut about Nathaniel and I." Hawke replied. "Which speaking of, if I was going to do anything naughty in the Deep Roads, it certainly wouldn't have been with Nathaniel."

"No?" Varric asked, the word sprinkled with disinterest.

"You'd have been a far better candidate." Hawke replied, in an unreadable tone.

"Me?" Varric choked aloud.

"Think about it Varric. We were trapped in the Deep Roads for two weeks, after Bartrand's betrayal...just you, me, my brother and Anders. What if Anders had left with Stroud when they took Carver away? Would've been just you and I...alone, in the rubble..." Hawke trailed off.

"And we would've tragically walked into a Queen Spider's nest, and been eaten alive." Varric finished, though a rosiness had inhabited the corners of his cheeks.

"But not before we shared the most passionate love-making either of us had ever experienced." Hawke added haughtily.

"Alright, you win, I concede." Varric said, tossing his hands up in surrender as he walked off. "Goodnight Hawke."

* * *

"The sound of her giggles follows him like a mist as he departs. Laughter like the tolling of holiday bells, thunderous but tender. He thought of it often when he told her tale to Cassandra. It was the first thing he loved about Hawke, but he did not know it to be love." Cole commentated.

Dorian was aghast. "_He walked away?_ I can't believe she let him! Ugh, we really do have our work cut out for us, Cole." he complained.

Lavellan approached her favorite conspirators with a small smile on her face. "What work is that?" she asked curiously.

"Nothing for you to concern yourself with my dear, just wish us luck." Dorian told her.

* * *

A/N - Oh my Dorian, I love him so.


End file.
